Step-by-Step Guide to Parental Alienation
Often the best way to illustrate how something works is through a little play acting.
People often ask how parental alienation happens in practice. Itâs actually fairly easy. Attorney, mediator, and therapist Bill Eddy once illustrated how it works using a fictional trip to the dentist by mother and child.
In each of the following steps, you must only imbue the situation with loads of emotions, allow the child an unnatural level of autonomy, and replace âdentistâ with âother parent.â Parental alienation illustrated in 10 easy steps.
You: "Johnny, it's time to go to the dentist. Put your jacket on and get in the car."
Johnny: âNo! I wonât go. I refuse to see the dentist.â
1. SOUND ANXIOUS AND MISTRUSTFUL
You (concerned tone of voice and pained facial expression): âWhy? Did the dentist ever hurt you?â
Johnny: âYes! She made me open my mouth when I didnât want to. She brushed my teeth so hard my gums bled a little. She gave me a shot and pulled out a tooth. It felt sore for a couple days. Thatâs why I donât want to go!â
You (very concerned now): âAnd did anything else happen?â
Johnny (irritated): âNo. What do you mean? Isnât that enough?â
2. MAKE IT INTO A NEGOTIABLE ISSUE
You (very concerned tone of voice): âWhy, thatâs awful! I didnât realize that!â
Johnny: âYes. Please donât make me go.â
You (looking very ambivalent): âWell, Iâm not sure.â
Johnny (now in tears): âPlease, please donât make me go!â
3. USE THE WORD âFORCEâ TO HELP BUILD RESISTANCE
You: âNow, now, Johnny. Donât worry. I canât force you to go. In fact, I wonât force you to go!â
Johnny: âThank you, thank you so much. Youâre the only one who really understands me and cares.â
4. SEEK OFFICIAL PERMISSION TO SAY CHILD DOESNâT HAVE TO GO
You: âWell, you know the school requires that you see a dentist once a year. Iâll talk to the principal and try to get an exception for you. First, Iâll need to talk to an attorney to get help in persuading the principal.â
Johnny: âThanks! I feel better already, knowing that you are helping me fight against having to go to the dentist. I knew there was something wrong with that idea.â
5. ASK AN ATTORNEY TO HELP YOU ADVOCATE FOR AN EXCEPTION
Attorney: âWell, I imagine the principal wonât make an exception, unless the situation is really, really bad.â
You: âOh, let me assure you that Johnny feels really, really strongly about this. Weâve talked about this several times, and now he cries and kicks and screams and locks himself in his room when I talk about it.â
Attorney: âOh, okay. Well, let me write down everything you have observed about Johnnyâs resistant behavior. Weâll submit this to the principal.â
6. GET AN ATTORNEY APPOINTED FOR THE CHILD
Principal (to you and your attorney): âYou know, Iâm really concerned about how upset Johnny seems to be. On the other hand, Johnny really needs to see a dentist once a year in order to have healthy teeth. You know what, I am going to appoint an attorney for Johnny to see if this is really what Johnny wants and to assess whether he is mature enough to make such a decision.â
Attorney for the child (to Johnny): âWow. You really are frightened and angry about seeing the dentist. Iâm going to recommend that you see a therapist. When the therapist recommends that youâre ready to see the dentist, then Iâll recommend to the principal that you should go. Until then, Iâll recommend that you donât have to go.â
7. GET AN INDIVIDUAL THERAPIST FOR THE CHILD FOR A YEAR
Therapist for the child (to himself): âAt the start, I know I have to develop a therapeutic alliance with Johnny by agreeing with his resistance to seeing the dentist. I will slowly turn him around.â
 Therapist for the child (to Johnny, after a year): âIâve worked with you for a year now, to help you overcome your fear and anger at the dentist by discussing these emotions a lot. Now your attorney, the principal, and your parent want to know if youâre ready to see the dentist yet. What do you think?â
Johnny: âPlease, please, please, donât make me go. You promised me at our first session that you wouldnât force me to go. Now I feel it more strongly than ever! You have to keep your promise!â
Therapist for the child: âOh, donât worry. You know I wonât force you to go. Iâll try to talk your parent out of pressuring you to go. But I think it would be a good idea for you to meet with a reunification counselor and the dentist. I will help prepare you for that meeting, so that you can feel safe.â
8. HAVE CHILD MEET WITH A REUNIFICATION COUNSELOR AND THE DENTIST*
Reunification Counselor: âNow Johnny, please tell the dentist why you donât want to see her. My job is to help you feel comfortable with the dentist. I wonât force you to actually go to the dentistâs office until you are ready. In the meantime, I want to help you talk to each other. Tell the dentist why you donât want to see her.â
Johnny (eyes to the ground, speaking softly): âYou ruined my life. I have been fearful ever since I last saw you.â
Dentist: âThank you Johnny for telling me how upset you are. Can you be more specific about what I did. Iâd really like to know.â
Johnny (angrily): âYou made my gums bleed a little! You gave me a shot I didnât want! You pulled one of my baby teeth!â
Dentist: âThank you for telling me that. I can understand how upsetting that must have been for you. However, thatâs my job. While it hurts and bleeds briefly, itâs so that you can have healthy teeth for the rest of your life.â
Johnny (sullen): âI still donât want to see you.â [*Resist any efforts to have YOU meet with Johnny in counseling. Since itâs all the dentistâs fault, any counseling with you would only reinforce the idea that it wasnât all the dentistâs fault. Plus, everyone knows they canât force you to do anything anyway.]
9. ENCOURAGE EVERYONE TO ARGUE A LOT OVER WHOâS AT FAULT
You: âItâs all the dentistâs fault that Johnny wonât go. Look at how inappropriate she has been.â
Johnny: âItâs all the dentistâs fault. I hate her.â
Your attorney: âItâs all the dentistâs fault. Johnny shouldnât have to go.â
The childâs attorney: âItâs in the childâs best interest not to be exposed to this conflict any further. I think heâs mature enough to make this decision now. The dentist can work with him when heâs an adult.â
The childâs therapist: âJohnny just isnât ready yet. Until the dentist takes full responsibility for her actions and how she has traumatized Johnny, it is unlikely that he will ever be ready. He needs another year.â
10. HAVE EVERYONE GIVE UP
Dentist: âWell, if you really donât want to see me, I wonât force you. I guess thereâs nothing I can do. I wonât even bother you with those little reminder notes every year.â
Reunification Counselor: âThen, I guess thereâs nothing that I can do, either.â
Attorney for the child: âAnd I guess thereâs nothing that I can do, either.â
Principal: âAnd I guess thereâs nothing that I can do, either. Iâm granting you an exception and I wonât require you to ever have to go to the dentist again.â
You: âWhat a relief. Now Johnny isnât anxious anymore and we get along better than ever!â
There you have it: Dental alienation in 10 easy steps! It may be 20 years before this child ever sees a dentist.
Bill Eddy is President of High Conflict Institute and author of Donât Alienate the Kids! Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce.
High Conflict Institute provides training and consultations regarding High Conflict People (HCPs) to individuals and professionals dealing with legal, workplace, educational, and healthcare disputes.