This article was originally posted in The Respondent Community.
Are you trapped in a toxic relationship? Have you been led to believe that it’s you who’s always wrong?
Are you afraid of what will happen if you decide to break out of your relationship?
Then you may be in a relationship with someone who has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder (BPD).
A forensic psychologist recently testified in the Johnny Depp v Amber Heard defamation trial that actress Amber Heard suffers from borderline personality disorder (BPD) and histrionic personality disorder. Undiagnosed BPD is a major contributor to marriage and relationship breakdown.
A Borderline Personality Disorder Relationship
Being in a relationship with a person who has a borderline personality means living a love-hate relationship that’s obsessive, complicated and unstable.
The unpredictable nature of someone with BPD can have devastating consequences on your life. Particularly if the person is unwilling to admit their sickness and is not in recovery from it.
Unfortunately, these kinds of relationships can be particularly difficult to escape from. However long the relationship has lasted, a relationship with a person who has BPD typically creates a destabilizing impact on the psyche of those who live with it, and leaves emotional wounds that are very difficult to heal.
Sadly, sometimes, these relationships produce more than just psychological wounds. Stalking, threats and physical violence are all possibilities when a person spurns advances or breaks up with someone who has a serious borderline personality disorder.
So how do you disengage from people with BPD and cut the invisible strings of manipulation when they’re hurting or misusing you in relationships?
Sufferers of BPD live at the limit, they are acrobats in a precarious balance on a razor’s edge.
A person who comes into close contact with a sufferer of BPD will, over time, be exposed to a variety of manipulative behaviours. Normally the BPD sufferer will use sophisticated manipulation techniques in order to decline even the most minor of life’s responsibilities.
To put it briefly, "BPD people put their entire lives in your hands and then blame you and punish you if something goes wrong."
BPD is a black hole of attention and affection. Nothing can fill this void.
The person closest to the BPD victim can experience the following feelings that prevent that person from moving away from their BPD:
They will feel used and manipulated.
They will be forced to sacrifice their personal needs in a dedicated existence, devoted to the sufferer of BPD.
Concerned about what will happen to the BPD sufferer if they leave.
How the BPD sufferer will react to a break up.
"If I abandon the BPD sufferer, then ‘I am the bad person’ who has been selfish, and disregarded them, so what they say is true."
Knowing the right information allows you to limit the damage and avoid unnecessary suffering.
So what is Borderline Personality Disorder?
Borderline personality disorder is a serious mental health disorder that impacts the way people think and feel about themselves and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships.
People with borderline personality disorder have an intense underlying fear of abandonment or instability, and may have difficulty tolerating being alone. Their inappropriate anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though they want to have loving and lasting relationships.
Borderline personality disorder usually begins by early adulthood.
BPD Idealization
People with BPD often report that at the beginning of a new relationship, they put their new partner "on a pedestal." They may feel as though they have found their perfect match—a soulmate who will rescue them from their emotional pain. This kind of thinking is called idealization.
This honeymoon period can be very exciting for the new partner, too. After all, it's really nice to have someone feel so strongly about you and to feel needed.
Problems start to arise, however, when reality sets in.
When a person with BPD realizes that their new partner is not faultless, that image of the perfect, idealized soulmate can come crashing down.
Because people with BPD struggle with dichotomous thinking, or seeing things only in black and white. They can have trouble recognizing the fact that most people make mistakes even when they mean well.
As a result, people with BPD may quickly go from idealization to devaluation—thinking that their partner is a horrible person.
If it’s hysterical it’s historical
People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) can also present symptoms of histrionic personality disorder and commonly experience relationships that are chaotic, intense, and conflict-laden. This can be especially true for romantic relationships.
Who gets BPD?
BPD affects 2 in 100 adults, mostly women. The DSM-IV-TR states that borderline personality disorder (BPD) is "diagnosed predominantly (about 75%) in females."
A 3:1 female to male gender ratio is quite pronounced for a mental disorder and, consequently, has led to speculation about its cause and to some empirical research.
Furthermore, people with BPD often have other mental health conditions, including anxiety disorders, eating disorders, and substance use disorders.
Symptoms
Signs and symptoms may include:
An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection
A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel
Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing themselves as bad or as if even that they don't exist at all
Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours
Impulsive and risky behavior, such as reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly ending a positive relationship
Threats or behavior of self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection
Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety
Ongoing feelings of emptiness
Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing their temper, being sarcastic or bitter, episodes of explosive rage, or having/starting physical fights
What causes BPD?
Researchers are not sure exactly what causes BPD. But certain factors can increase a person’s risk of BPD:
Trauma. Many people with BPD have been through traumatic life events, especially childhood sexual abuse. Others have had unhealthy or abusive relationships. However, some people with BPD do not have a history of trauma, and many people who have experienced traumas do not have BPD.
Physical changes in the brain. Some people with BPD have physical changes in their brains, especially in areas that control impulsive behavior and emotions.
Family history. People with a parent or sibling with BPD are more likely to develop BPD.
Impulsive Borderline Personality Disorder
Impulsive behavior is a primary symptom of BPD. A person with BPD can act in impulsive and often dangerous ways. They may do this without regard for others or possible consequences.
People with this type of BPD may appear:
Charismatic
Energetic
Elusive or detached
Flirtatious
Engaging or motivating
Some example behaviors include:
Bingeing behaviors: Binge eating, overspending
Risky and self-destructive behaviors: Unprotected sex, sex with multiple partners, driving under the influence, drinking alcohol to excess, doing illicit drugs.
Aggressive behaviors: Outbursts, physical fights, breaking things, hitting things, yelling fits, threatening behavior.
Petulant Borderline Personality Disorder
People with this type of BPD may be angry one moment and sad or sulky the next. They may swing unpredictably between one emotion and another.
They may also feel unworthy and unloved. This can lead to relationship challenges and an unhealthy desire for control.
People with this type of BPD can be extremely manipulative. They often feel very dissatisfied in their relationships. Substance abuse and other dangerous behaviors often follow.
Example behaviors of people with this type of BPD include:
Irritability and impatience
Stubbornness and defiance
Passive-aggressiveness
Severe mood swings
Self-Destructive Borderline Personality Disorder
People with this type of BPD struggle with self-hatred and often feel bitter.
Symptoms of self-destructive BPD are similar to those of other conditions. Look out for these additional symptoms:
An increase in energy
A decrease in the desire to sleep
Feelings of euphoria
These may be signs of a manic episode or bipolar disorder rather than self-destructive BPD.
Example behaviors of people with this type of BPD include:
Substance abuse: This includes recreational drugs and prescription medications.
Risky adrenaline-seeking activities: People with this type of BPD may do these activities without preparing for them first.
Self-harm behaviors: These may include cutting, burning, scratching, or hitting.
If you suspect you are in a relationship with someone with undiagnosed borderline personality disorder, tread warily.
For more articles like this, join The Respondent Community.